The Here and Now

I was lamenting all the things I will miss here at home while I am away in Nepal for a month. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but last time I missed my 5 year old losing his first tooth. And his second. I wanted to stop the clock at home and make everything stop until I got back. I missed Ultimate Frisbee games and whole-family ski trips. Here’s what I know I’ll be missing this time:

My 11-year old’s play performance in his last year at this school.
My 7-year old’s Little League season. He is poised to rock it.
Spring Break – this is the first year in five that both kids have spring break in the same week. We could have actually taken a family vacation this year!
Heart is playing at Benaroya. Chris said did you hear, I said yes, he said, “I would have taken you if…”

But “If” is a terrible thing because there will always be something you can regret. In being in a designated place, you necessarily exclude yourself from other things. One of the songs from my childhood that resonates today is Roger Whittaker’s “I Don’t Believe in If”. Every so often I catch myself “if-ing” to myself, regretting something. So I sing this to myself to dissolve the angst that comes from missing out. In reality, I will always miss an opportunity of some sort because life is about making choices. If I had looked at all the things I’d be missing here as a limiting factor, I would never have gone to Nepal the first time and I would not be going this time.

So I don’t believe in ‘if’ anymore.

If I knew then what I know now
(I thought I did you know somehow)
If I could have the time again
I’d take the sunshine leave the rain
If only time would trickle slow
Like rain that melts the fallen snow
If only Lord if only
If only Lord if only